Disconnect (revision)
(This is the latest revision of a piece that has appeared both on Erato and Gaz.)His focus is the screen. Its light aloneilluminates his lean face as he sitscross-legged on the bed in the darkened...
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MaryannYour IP is accomplished; it feels like spoken speech, yet it isn't.Nits:1. "I, watching..." too much participle for my taste, between subject and verb.2."crude mechanicals" A computer isn't...
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Thanks for looking at this, Lance. I'll see what I can do with that participle.I think you're mis-seeing "rude mechanicals," an allusion to Midsummer Night's Dream and a punning reference to the...
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I myself thought right away of Julius Caesar's early line "What, know you not being mechanical you ought not walk upon a laboring day without some sign of your profession," but yes, the players in...
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Thanks, Mike. The number of times the sonnet form has been suggested for this one--well, it's starting to have an effect, and the poem is clearly not doing much for readers in the current form. So...
View ArticleRe: Disconnect (revision)
I agree with Mike and I think this poem has too many adjectives that are not needed--for example "lean face."
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